Standard Starfleet issue - Easy Tear Shirts
by SapSorrow
Summary: All the times Kirk got annoyed when his shirt ripped and one time he didn't mind so much.Mostly crack, Spirk with comic references to past Mckirk. rated M for language, sexual references and graphic sex in a couple of chapters. Now with bonus chapters, including graphic non-con in chapter 9.
1. Bones

**Standard Starfleet Issue – Easy Tear Shirts.**

**Or 5 Times Kirk got in a mood when his shirt got ripped and 1 time he didn't care.**

**1.**

The first time Kirk rips his shirt he blames McCoy; a routine medical exam that he is attempting quite desperately to avoid.

"No way Bones – not this time!"

He yells, making a semi – comic break to run out of med bay. McCoy grabs him by the neck of his shirt and holds him like a wriggling rodent.

"No you don't Jim!" he says, holding the squirming ship's Captain in place for just a moment before the shirt tears away at the neck –

"For fucks sake Bones!" Kirk splutters, pulling free, shirt hanging down his arm – "Whaddya do that for?"

"God damn it Jim! The thing just fell away in my hands!"

"Yeah well if your hands hadn't been headed for my ever – loving neck -!"

"Well if _you _weren't trying to rat out on your physical like a naughty schoolboy!"

"Gentlemen is there a problem?"

Spock walked calmly into the med bay, drawn by the sound of all the shouting.

"Well gee there wouldn't be Spock, if the good doctor here hadn't decided he wanted to rip my clothes off!" snaps Kirk. Spock frowns, not entirely understanding and with another almost- expression that Kirk finds hard to define –

"I do not understand Captain – do you and the doctor wish to be left alone?"

McCoy snorts.

"Hell no!" yells Kirk – "Still – doesn't look like I can make that medical Bones – gotta go get fucking dressed!"

"No way Jim – you were gonna have to take your shirt off anyway – now I'd say you're half way there!"

"GOD DAMNIT!" yells Kirk, in the way both of the others know really means "Okay then" in Jim – speak. Spock remains, still watching with faint interest as Kirk rips off the remains of his shirt and submits, extremely ungraciously, as the doctor man handles him, none too gently onto an operating table, Kirk muttering and grumbling all the way along the lines of –

"Fucking shoddy - ass Starfleet fucking shirts…."

_x_

**I am happy to take suggestions for ways in which Kirk can get his shirt ripped! **


	2. Plants

**Thank you to the lovely people who have given me suggestions so far for shirt ripping scenarios! I will be using a good few of them in later sections!**

2.

The second time is after an away mission gone wrong. Kirk beams up fuming and raging after getting entangled with a tentacled plant that lashed it's vines around him, ripping the arms and most of the front off his shirt – not to mention a good layer or two of his skin - before Spock managed to phaser it off him.

"Are you hurt Captain?" Spock asks in genuine concern, taking un-necessary hold of the captain's remarkably naked upper arm.

Kirk completely ignores the question, starting up a rant that lasts him all the way down the corridor as Spock steers him gently but firmly towards the med bay –

"See this? What is this? What the actual fuck is this? Fucking stupid shirts always rip down the motherfucking neck! I mean seriously! Makes me look like some kind of fucking man – whore every single time!"

"Man ….whore – Captain?" Spock frowns in bemusement.

"Yes Spock – a great big slutty man whore! Like some kind of fucking page three model – I mean look at this – the collar always stays intact – looks like fucking bondage tape! I mean what the actual fuck – does Starfleet like get off on this shit? – Issuing these fucking shitty goddamn – Bones!"

They reach the med bay. For a moment Spock wondered if Kirk was actually calling the doctor a shitty goddamn Bones, before he unravels the sentence to it's slightly more sensible conclusion.

"Bones – check out this fucking shirt again!" yells Kirk, not giving up.

"Damn it Jim I'm a doctor not a seamstress! How about I deal with the flesh ripped off your goddamn torso instead!" Kirk squints and reluctantly relents –

"Yeah – er – you could do that I guess mumble mumble fucking shirts…."

In the pause Spock hears him suddenly think –

_Hey, Spock's touching me and it's kind of –_

Spock lets go of his arm quickly.

_x_


	3. Beastie

3.

Kirk storms into med bay after a fight with a wild animal on a hostile planet has reduced his shirt to tatters.

"Seriously, does the world hate me or just want me naked?"

"You are hardly naked Captain" Spock says with just a touch of disappointment.

"It's over – rated" supplies Bones.

"Captain – may I ask a personal question?"

"Knock yourself out Spock, the whole world's already staring at my fuckin' nipples."

"I do not see how rendering myself concussed is relevant to the present situation" Spock says, confused.

"It's an expression Spock, it means go for it"

"May I ask if the two of you are Romantically involved?"

Bones snorts, in a half laugh.

"Yeah he wishes" Kirk grins.

"Oh like hell" huffs Bones.

"Course – there was that one time we got really drunk –"

"Damn it Jim! You swore never to speak of it again! – especially not to Pointy here!"

"It was….regrettable" Kirk nods.

"Really really bad" Bones agrees.

"Worst shag I ever had – also you were sick in my shoe."

"Oh really? Was that before or after "Yeah Bones – make me your bitch!""

"Actually it was just after "This is why they call me Bones!""

"Gentlemen please, I must beg you to desist!" wails Spock.

"Sorry Spock"

"But you did ask" points out Bones.

"An action I most highly regret. Also I was _not _looking at your nipples."

"I should damn well hope not!"

"Not you doctor – I was addressing the captain on his previous comment."

"The lady doth protest too much methinks" mutters Bones.

"Hamlet, Act three scene two – but I do not understand your implication at this time."

"Well don't get me to explain what the rest of the crew's known for ages"

"And you did seem sad that I wasn't getting naked" chips in Kirk, starting to get rid of the remains of his shirt. Spock wonders whether to lie and insist he did not want to see more of naked Kirk or if it will just make him look worse.

"Come to think of it –" Kirk grins, deciding to test \Spock's resolve – "These pants got ripped to fuck too –" he starts to undo them,

"Holy hell Jim!" yells Bones – "Not in my god damn med bay you don't! And I know for a fact you don't wear underwear!"

"Suggest we do this somewhere more private Captain" Spock says, and his face falls instantly –

_Fuck. I said "We" not "You". Yeah – I did that out loud. Fuck._

Kirk beams, delighted to have caught the Vulcan out with such a cheap trick.

"Come on then Spock –o, your place or mine?"

"There – see?" Bones calls after their retreating backs – "There's my implication – right there!"

He cannot decide whether to laugh or cry from the imagery that starts to seep, uninvited, into his brain ….

_x_

**Thanks again to all my lovely reviewers! This fic may end up extending itself to seven times I'm getting so many suggestions!**


	4. Kitten

**Sorry it's taken me so long but here is the next chapter finally! Many thanks to** Uiixe **for giving me the idea for this one – everyone else – I WILL be using your ideas in later chapters. Basically my reviews for this have been so lovely that once I've done my original 5 + 1 I'm gonna write a whole bunch extra chapters just to cover some of these awesome scenarios! I had no idea this silly thing would get such good feedback so as reward you're all gonna get heaps more of it! And THANK YOU!**

**4.**

"Your reading Spock?"

"Class M Planet Captain, no signs of hostile life"

"That makes a change. Are you picking up any life forms at all?"

"Faintly. Approximately seven point six metres west Captain"

Kirk heads that way and in a few moments whoops –

"Aww look at it Spock! It's a little kitty!"

Spock looks at the kitten unimpressed. The kitten is pink and purple striped like a tiny gay tiger. It looks up at Spock and says "Maow" petulantly.

"I am sorry captain, I do not speak the language" Spock frowns.

"MAAOOOW!" squeaks the kitten again, stamping its little front feet.

"Spock it's so cute!" says Kirk, bending over.

"Captain I must caution you against picking up an unknown wild animal –"

But Kirk is already scooping the little beast up into his arms –

"Wild animal Spock? Seriously? Look at its tiny tail and – OUCH!"

The kitten digs its claws into Kirk's shoulder and scrabbles at his shirt like it would like to take a shit in it.

"FUCK!" roars Kirk, stamping his little front feet – "It's a monster! Kill it Spock! Kill it!"

He drops the kitten which runs behind a rock and sits there looking for all the world like it is sniggering.

Spock frowns and looks smug all at once;

"Captain, why would I kill it when it is, as I believe you said "A cute little kitty"?"

"Aww shut up Spock! Look at my fucking shirt! I mean really! Look at this shirt!"

"I am looking Captain and observe your attire to indeed be damaged beyond repair –"

"Fuck off Spock you smug git"

"I am Vulcan Captain and therefore cannot be smug. It would also be unhelpful to "Fuck off" at this juncture and leave you further exposed to attack from kittens"

"I'm already fucking exposed Spock! Look at my fucking chest if you want exposed!"

"Indeed" says Spock looking, as instructed.

"I hate you Spock"

"" Look at its tiny tail"" Spock deadpans.

"AAAARGH! You know what – that's it. From now on I'm wearing the other kind of shirt –"

"The green one Captain? – the one doctor McCoy refers to as your "Fat shirt"?

"He does WHAT?"

"I do not understand it myself Captain as a shirt can surely not be described as "fat""

"But apparently the Captain of a star ship can!" huffs Kirk – "C'mon Spock – let's beam back up and go kill Bones!"

"Would you like me to set this kitten on him Captain?" suggests Spock, with the faintest hint of sarcasm. He picks up the kitten which settles into his arm and begins to purr softly.

"Shut up Spock"

"Yes Captain. Captain?"

"Aargh! Yes Spock?"

"Kitten?" he offers.

"Fuck you!"

_x_

******I should probably just note for anyone who wasn't a fan of TOS that in later episodes Kirk wore a different style of shirt which was green and wrapped around, generally referred to as his "Fat shirt" cause Shatner wore it to hide the fact that he was becoming quite a fat little Kirk. I figured it would be funny if his crew also called it that behind his back! Tune in next episode to see Kirk rip this shirt too!**

**I have plans for the next two bits – but I'm still taking ideas! **


	5. Romulan

**This chapter contains comedy references to attempted molestation – if that concept troubles you skip this chapter. It's fairly mild though.**

**4.**

"I don't fucking believe it!" Kirk wails, beaming into the transporter room where Spock and McCoy are waiting patiently for his return.

Kirk is, as usual, fuming, and the cause, plain to see, is the green shirt hanging off his shoulders, now little more than a shawl.

"Spock!" he rounds on his first officer – "This is your fault!"

"Oh thank god." Mutters Bones.

"May I ask how you have reached this evaluation Captain?" says Spock, arching an eyebrow.

"Wear the green, you said! Not so easy to rip, you said! Well that's just fucking swell Spock – except on the day the Romulan ambassador decides he want to make me his bitch!"

Spock starts forward, almost growling –

"Need I kill him for you Captain?"

"It's fine Spock he didn't succeed – but god damn it I am sick of being everybody's butt monkey!"

"Okay Jim, we got it, no more butt monkey" says Bones.

"Anyway Spock –" Kirk continues – "Killing ambassadors is bad – we've talked about this – even when they do decide that I'm the next best thing to an Orion slave girl –".

**"**But –"

"But my shirt was not as lucky? Obviously. Turns out this pulls apart _really _easily from the front –"

"I am aware of that, Captain"

"Aaargh!" groans Bones – "I didn't need to hear that!"

"Yeah Spock, he didn't need to hear that!"

"In fact since we're speaking of things I don't need to be hearing –"

"Oh dear god –" moans Kirk.

"Yeah –" says Bones – "We need to talk to someone about re – sound proofing this ship – that or move me to a room _not _next to the two of you. If I have to hear any more of the noises you two make I'm gonna need a doctor."

"I am not sure what you are implying" Says Spock, walking right into it. Kirk face palms and McCoy rounds on Spock –

"Fuck. Take it Captain, you little slut" he intones with a look of deep trauma – "I quote." He adds – "Then the screaming and the begging, then –"

"Bones please!" explodes Kirk – "I beg you to stop!"

Bones snorts.

"Yeah. That's what you said last night.

"Aaargh! Bones!"

"You're in no position to "Bones" me either, Mr "Fuck Yeah Spock"!"

"Bones! Please! I'll talk to Scotty!"

"Oh do please. Do tell him all the details I'm gonna need therapy for."

"I do not see that those details would be relevant" chimes in Spock.

"Do it!" growls Bones – "Or I will, and believe me my version will be much more graphic than yours!"

"Okay!"

"Captain, suggest we get you out of the last of that shirt" says Spock, with an over – done expression of _I'm- not –saying- this- to- upset -Bones, honest _on his face.

"Good plan Spock" Grins Kirk, far too filthily, directing most of it at Bones.

"AAAARGH!" yells Bones.

_x_


	6. All-the-women-ever

**Thanks to Sapere for this section – I basically took the simple idea of alien-woman-rips-Kirk's- shirt- off and made it LOTS of alien ladies!**

**Promise to write whole bonus chapter for whoever recognises the quote- from- elsewhere in this first!**

5.

Kirk heaves himself out from under a pile of screaming, half rabid, young women and runs out of the city and into the desert beyond. The hoard of women follow at an uncomfortably rapid pace, still screaming. Kirk resists the strong urge to scream like a girly man and just when he thinks he is about to lose this fight Spock appears, running in the opposite direction, phasering wildly until all the girls have been put down.

"Spock!" Kirk splutters – "Those girls are insane!"

"I am forced to disagree with that evaluation Captain"

"They tried to kill me!"

"I am forced to disagree with that also."

"Well geez Spock, when _don't _you disagree with me?"

"Possibly Captain when I have not previously told you not to inhale to deeply of a spore that will render you dangerously irresistible to women and when you have not replied to my reasoned objection with – and I quote – "Irresistible, eh?" and proceeded to inhale deeply of the spore."

"Spock please don't impersonate me, it is deeply unsettling."

"Believe me Captain it is at least as unsettling for me to see you mobbed by half the women on this planet –"

"_Half the women _Spock? What – are your statistics on crack today?"

"I am not sure it is possible for an enumerative qualifier to imbibe -"

Kirk snorts. With laughter, not crack.

"Spock it was only _logical _to test the effect of the spores."

Spock raises an eyebrow;

"Suggest we beam up Captain, before you attempt any further "logic" and thereby cause more damage to your attire."

"God _damn _these shitty shirts – I think from now on I'm gonna wear a dress –"

Spock beams them back up. McCoy is waiting in the transporter room, but they ignore him and carry on bickering.

"If I _may _advise against that course of action –" Spock says.

"Oh I dunno, seems logical to me –"

"Consider Captain – in damaging your shirt you expose only your chest – imagine the possible consequences of damaging one of those not over – large dresses –"

"But _Spo-ck –" _Kirk pouts and whines – "I'd be sooo _pretty!" _

"Not an enormously vital quality in a starship Captain, Captain."

"Spock you spoil all my fun."

"I must confess myself relieved to hear it."

"Well blah blah blah _I am forced to disagree with that evaluation!" _

"Captain, please do not impersonate me, I find it deeply unsettling."

"Oh look at me I'm Spock and I don't know how to have fun! Blah blah blah!" yodels Kirk, not listening and pulling at his ears to try and make them pointy.

"That is illogical – you are _not _Spock – _I _am – and I never say blah blah blah-"

"Ooh look at me, I'm so damn perfect, I never rip my shirt, I'm soooo logical –"

"You keep using that word –" Spock sighs, shaking his head is despair – "I do not think it means what you think it means."

"CHILDREN!" bellows Bones – "Good god! Go to your room and don't come out until you can behave!"

"Aww but Bo-nes –"

"Nope! Go!"

They stomp off, Kirk truculently, Spock a little sheepish.

"Nobody ever wants me to have fun" grumbles Kirk.

_x_


	7. Spock

**Okay, so just so you're warned – this chapter is not so much crack – more just smut – with a little crack! **

6.

They head to Kirk's quarters in silence, walking briskly without even looking at each other. As soon as they get within the door however, Spock grabs hold of Kirk and slams him into the wall –

"You did that on purpose" he growls.

"Really commander –" Kirk tries to say it casually but Spock has one hand around his throat and is grinding his erection hard against his body – and it comes out more as a hiss – "I don't know what you mean."

Spock slaps him, eyes glittering sharply with lust –

"You were _baiting _me" he snarls – "For that whole last hour on shift – you were trying to distract me. To make me want you –" his lip twitches.

"Well –" Kirk grins – "Maybe a little. Worked though didn't it?"

Spock growls, low and inarticulate and rips Kirk's shirt apart roughly.

"Spock – you ripped my shirt –" Kirk groans – "Do it again!"

"Illogical captain, as you are only wearing the one."

"Spock shut up and kiss me."

Spock does so, urgently and violently, one hand tracing patterns across Kirk's chest and the other palming his straining cock through his trousers. Kirk whimpers, helplessly thrusting against Spock's hand.

They have been winding each other up too much today and for too long to wait much longer now.

"I _do _want you –" Spock growls into Kirk's neck, deftly unfastening his trousers and then Kirk's, roughly, giving him no room for objection – "Every hour of every day – everywhere –"

He takes Kirk's cock in his hand firmly –

"On the bridge, over the console, in the corridor – I could fuck you senseless, have you screaming in seconds – and do not think I do not know –" he growls, nudging at him with his cock.

"Know?" Kirk takes a small bottle of lube out of his pocket and, fumbling some onto his hand oils up the Vulcan's cock before Spock shoves it into him hard and fast with a fierce grunt of satisfaction –

"That you want it too." He finishes, teeth gritted, buried to the hilt inside him – "Though I would be grateful –" he hisses, starting to thrust into him – "If you could not - make these wishes - so apparent to me – when I am – attempting to work."

Kirk smirks, even through his cries of pain and intense pleasure and Spock pounds him into the wall, all coherent speech shattered, fucking Kirk hard and fast, holding him tight in place and growling into his neck, coming all too soon, deep inside him with a savage roar of blinding ecstasy, Kirk following not far behind. Spock bears him to the bed before either of their knees can give out.

"Spock?" Kirk murmurs happily.

"Jim?"

"You can rip my shirt any time."

"Thank you Jim but I did not require your permission."

Kirk groans.

"Jim –" Spock asks.

"Spock?"

"You – carry lube with you on shift?"

"Just – in case."

"Are you making some vague human hint?"

"Perhaps" Kirk grins. Spock rolls his eyes tolerantly –

"Turn over please Jim. I am not finished with you."

_x_

**So, this was meant to be the end of the fic….but I've been given so many ideas for shirt ripping scenarios that I'm gonna do a few more bonus chapters….basically until I run out of ideas! Reverting back to crack in the next section!**


	8. Mirror Spock 1

**So I was given this idea – and many thanks – from Minecraft Guardiansaiyan - to do a section in Mirror-verse. To confuse my brain I got so excited by this that I got two different ideas for Mirror-verse scenarios – one pure crack and the other more porn! So, damn it all I'm just going to write them both over the next two chapters! – this is the crack version. **

**7.**

Kirk beams up to the transporter room where Spock is waiting for him and this is as far as the normality of the situation goes.

"Spock!" Kirk splutters – "How did you grow a beard in the half hour I was gone?"

"Oh for fucks sake!" Spock groans – "Not again!"

"Oh god" Kirk agrees, getting quickly on the communicator to Scotty – "Scotty you be beamed me into the wrong damn universe again! Get me out of here!"

He turns to Spock, shaking his head –

"We have to stop meeting like this"

Spock smirks.

"One thing Captain –"

"One thing Spock –" Kirk says, at the exact same time.

"You first" they both say, again at the same time.

"Okay Spock, I'll go first, 'cause I've been needing to know this like forever – why the evil beard of evil?"

"Because it's evil." Spock replies promptly – "Or so my studies into your culture have informed me. Trust me I will shortly begin work upon a comedy European accent."

"God, really?"

"Perhaps. Possibly Italian since the roles of comedy Scotsman and Russian are already being adequately filled by other of my crew members."

Kirk shrugs –

"That's fair. Okay your turn."

Spock smirks again, grabs hold of Kirk's arms and rips the arms off of his shirt.

"What the fuck?!" splutters Kirk.

"I have been wanting to do that for a while –" Spock grins, in a curious combination of mischief and evil – "Your attire was most – distractingly different from my own Captain's. A situation I have now rectified."

"Well god damn it Spock where I come from we like to be a bit more dressed and a whole lot less man – whorish!"

Spock raises an eyebrow;

"Trust me Jim, if this happens again I will be divesting you of a lot more of your clothing."

Kirk opens his mouth to object but at that point is beamed back to his own Enterprise.

"Spock!" he exclaims in relief – "Proper Spock!"

Spock frowns –

"Is there another kind, Captain?"

"Damn right there is! There's the dodgy – beard – wanna – be – Italian – Spock who wants a major piece of me! Scotty –" – turning to his chief engineer; "We have got to fix that beam! If I go back there one more time –"

"Yes Captain?" interjects Spock, into Kirk's pause for breath.

"Well Spock, _your _evil double is gonna make me his scantily clad man whore! Look what he's already done to my shirt!"

"That _is _unacceptable Captain."

"I know right! Like I don't get through enough god damn shirts!"

"No Captain, it is unacceptable that he make you, as you put it, his "Man – whore" –" Spock pauses for a beat that he would never admit to being for comic timing –

"I believe that it _my _job" he adds.

_x_

**Bless this fic, it just keeps happening! Needless to say Scotty is not going to be getting that beam fixed! **


	9. Mirror Spock 2

**Just to warn you, this chapter went in a strange direction and turned into horrible non - con porn, so I apologise for that – but strangely it also starts off and ends up humorous….so I apologise for that too. Also is longer than other chapters. If you think you may be upset by rapey mirrorSpock do not read!**

**8.**

A routine transporter malfunction plunges Kirk back on board the other Enterprise. He barely has time to register irritation at the fact that Scotty has still not repaired the transporter when he feels a sharp pinch to the back of the neck and everything goes black.

The first thought he registers when he comes around is _horizontal – on a bed –_ the next thing is that his wrists are in manacles – he follows the chains to where they connect to the headboard – who would have manacles fitted to their bed? He gives an experimental tug. No give. The cuffs show all the signs of wear that suggest that someone has struggled – and failed – to get out of these a lot.

He looks around slowly, accustoming himself to his surroundings – the walls are different, indeed everything is subtly different, but the general shape and layout would indicate that this is Spock's room. He groans aloud – that means evil, twisted, dodgy beard Spock. He remembers his threats from last time and struggles more fiercely, noting that there is some room for manoeuvre in these chains but not enough room to stand – _just enough room to flip me over _he thinks – _oh fuck, Fuckfuckfuck. _

At that point Spock walks in, apparently perfectly casual about having a Starfleet Captain chained to his bed – _fucking bastard's probably used to it –_

"Spock –" he says aloud – "Let me go – whatever this is you don't wanna –"

Spock smirks – this Spock really can smirk; Kirk is alarmed to find it kinda sexy. Spock raises that eyebrow that tells him so eloquently _It's cute that you think there is _any _chance I would let you go –_

"On the contrary" he says – "I have wanted this for quite some time, indeed you and I have had this date coming from the beginning _Captain."_

Kirk seeks the mental link so as not to have to beg aloud; it is absent, reminding him of the problem –

"I'm not yours –" he growls – "Damn it Spock you've got your own one of me to play with – can't you just –"

"Oh trust me Jim –" Spock almost purrs, sitting on the side of the bed and running a hand up Kirk's body beneath his shirt – "I _have _and I shall again – but _you –" _he twist around gracefully to straddle him, leaning in to stroke his face with malicious tenderness – "You are so sweet, so innocent – I'll bet you're _flawless _compared to mine – do you really think I could let you carry on that way – so unmarked?"

Kirk groans at the lust glittering in Spock's eyes, the feel of his cock hardening in his pants – and all hope he has of getting out of this un – fucked fly away like so much stardust.

Spock smiles like a shark closing in on dinner, delighted to see the hope go out of his victim's eyes. Kirk almost succeeds in stifling a whimper as Spock elegantly slides the knife from his boot and slits his shirt up the front, pulling it roughly apart and holding the knife to Kirk's throat. Kirk swallows hard, brain screaming between terror and uncomfortable, unwelcome arousal.

"Do not suppose I will hesitate to slit your throat if you displease me" Spock hisses, with wicked glee. Kirk shakes his head carefully –

"No" he whispers.

Spock chuckles darkly –

"You said it yourself Jim – you are not mine, I have my own. _You _are just a toy for me to play with. A pretty thing for me to use – and use – do you think I care if I discard you dead or alive?"

Kirk thinks carefully before replying, during which time Spock divests him of the rest of his clothing and then his own. He takes a sharp intake of breath looking at the naked human beneath him. He runs a hand the full length of his body in appraisal and admiration.

"Yes –" he murmurs, almost to himself – "Perfect. My double is a fool to leave you so uninjured, an error I do not intend to repeat."

Kirk fights the urge to fight, to protest, instead he hits harder –

"Yeah" he sneers, spitefully – "Yeah I do think you care"

Spock's lip twitches at this and he growls aloud, slicing the knife lightly but viciously across Kirk's chest. Kirk screams but not enough, so Spock cuts into him again, exhaling a deep sigh of satisfaction as Kirk lets a tear slip down his face at the pain.

"You _are_ mine" Spock snarls, licking across the line of blood obscenely – "And you are delicious. I will send you back to him like this – naked, stained and marked as mine – teach him to treat you as you deserve."

"Fuck you" Kirk spits through gritted teeth. Spock smirks –

"Your use of the expletive is humorously inaccurate in this instance" he mocks, flipping Kirk over roughly and dragging him to his knees, wrists crossed over his head. He rubs his erection savagely against him to remind him of what's coming and presses the knife back against his throat –

"This will not be over quickly –" he snarls into Kirk's ear – "You will not enjoy this, and I am not your Spock -"

Kirk grunts and wraps a hand around his own cock in defiance of at least this latter instruction, determined as ever to not let anyone else win, thinking only of his own Spock to get him through this. But his internal victory is short lived as this Spock slams violently into him, raw and unprepared, so that he screams in agony. For a while he simply screams and sobs, bucking and twisting, trying to wriggle free to no avail. Spock almost withdraws but the sweet second of relief only worsens the pain when he slams back in, doing this again and again until the control to do so breaks and he just fucks him unbearably hard. The more he struggle the more Spock delights in hurting him both with his cock and the knife, digging it hard into the side of his neck, leaving tiny cuts in his skin each time he thrusts into him.

It is so hard for Kirk to still pretend when he is weeping and begging Spock to stop and Spock so clearly enjoys it, fuelled by his pleas into fucking him yet more violently.

"Yes slut –" he snarls – "Beg me. Beg for the mercy you will not receive. Cry for me bitch – I said you would not enjoy it –" he mocks, deep inside Kirk and thrusting hard – "But _I _love every second."

Kirk senses he is close to completion but holding back to maximise his suffering.

"Hate you – fucking bastard – I hate you –" he growls this litany thinking it will be worth the violence with which Spock retaliates if only it gets this over with more quickly. Spock growls fiercely as he comes and chuckles to feel Kirk's relief –

"Did you really think that would help you?" he sneers, shaking his head – "How little you know me." He starts again, fucking Kirk shallowly until fully hard and ramming into him all over again. This time Kirk just cries. The third time his tears subside and the fourth time he comes, more to spite Spock than anything else. After this Spock finally unlocks him, throwing him to the floor and forcing him to suck his cock, in return for which he very graciously permits him to put his pants back on before dragging him back to the transporter room.

"It's been fun _ashayam" _he sneers, dumping him unceremoniously in a boneless pile on the transporter pad – "I look forward to the next time."

Kirk glares at him as he signals an ensign to energise the transport beam –

"Bitch please –" he actively spits, despite all of the ache and effort – "My Spock is way more badass than you." He treasures the look of fury that is the last thing he sees before materialising back on his own ship.

He collapses into his own Spock's arms in the sweetest relief, telling him everything that has happened with one touch. Spock's return touch screams an enraged _I'm going to kill him._

"You can't kill him idiot, he's you. Besides we are _fixing _that fucking transporter –" he glares over at Scotty – "_aren't we Scotty?" _he flops back against Spock – "Spock I may faint – also – Spock?"

"Yes Captain?"

"Fucking bastard ripped my shirt."

_x_

**Sorry about the delay with this and everything else – have been in a field in Wales for a week with minimal computer access – but I'm back now and announcing it with this chapter! Also will write a special chapter for anyone who recognises the bastardized quotation hidden in this chapter!**


	10. Spock to Mirror Kirk

** So sorry for the wait on this story - I've been very busy with my long serious one!**

**This chapter follows on from the last, based on a request from Ellstra (thank you!) to have Spock wrap Kirk up in a blanket and watch a dumb, illogical movie with him….it's pretty much crack again kids! **

9.

Kirk does not faint, but he does slump hard against Spock and have to be led gently back to his quarters. Therein he finally, blessedly, stops fighting to keep in control and cries raggedly on Spock's shoulder. Spock holds him tightly and gently, letting him get it all out. Uncertain exactly what to do with crying humans, even after all this time he tentatively strokes Kirk's shoulder. Kirk smiles and stops crying –

"Spockit's okay – I'm not a kitten."

"I am aware of that Captain."

"Spo-ck?" he whines softly, slowly reverting back to childhood.

"Yes Jim?" Spock says patiently, knowing this voice and knowing where it leads-

"Can we curl up in bed and watch some dumb old movie?"

Spock nods. That's where it leads.

"Yes Jim, of course. What did you have in mind?"

"Something nice. Disney."

"The Lion King" Captain? I believe it is your favourite."

"Yeah but – it makes me cry so not today."

"Pocahontas?"

"That makes _you _cry"

"It does not Captain, I am unmoved by animated children's entertainment."

"You booed like a big girl about the racial intolerance and tried to tell me all about how "Colours of the wind" was in perfect accord with the principles of Surak. I couldn't take it that time and I sure as hell don't think I have the strength for it today."

"Very well then, "Aladdin"- this makes neither of us "Boo" as you put it nor is it inspiring of philosophy"

"Good"

"Although it is correct that you cannot step in the same river twice due to –"

"Don't you fucking dare Spock!"

Spock gives him that look that is very nearly an eye roll.

"I have some very brief business to attend to. Suggest you change into nightwear and engage your favourite blanket for when I return."

"Spock I'm not four! I don't have a favourite blanket"

"It is blue Captain, patterned with barely accurate representations of monkeys holding bananas. Believe you describe it as "So snuggly you could die""

"Well, that's me emasculated for the rest of the night."

"I will return shortly Jim"

When he does so, fifteen minutes later, Kirk is already curled up in bed, singing along to inform the world that he is "One jump ahead of the breadline". Spock sighs, looking at him, affectionately – _this is my mate _he thinks _my T'hy'la, my life – _he shakes his head at Jim, transferring the thought with mock despair. Kirk grins, lifts up the covers so Spock can come in and offers him snacks.

_x_

Elsewhere another Kirk beams back onto another Enterprise, another Spock catching him as he half faints off the transporter pad. He looks down in surprise feeling blood seep wetly through his shirt. Rage dawns in his eyes as he sees the word "MINE" carved neatly into his chest.

"Damn him!" he yells, half dropping Kirk in fury – "How dare he? I'm going to kill him!"

"You can't kill him idiot, he's you." says Kirk wearily, with a curious feeling like he has said this before –" Besides we are _fixing _that fucking transporter –" he glares over at Scotty – "_aren't we Scotty?" _he flops back against Spock – "Spock I may faint – also – Spock?"

"Yes Captain?"

"Fucking bastard ripped my shirt."

_x_

**I know- somehow accidentally a mini plot appeared in this fic – but that's my mini plot over for now and I will return to other non – mirror related shirt ripping scenarios in the chapters to come!**


	11. Dinosaurs

**Back to the good old crack again! In which Kirk is excited to be ripping his shirt and I very blatantly parody a well known film!**

**10.**

"Exactly what sort of life forms do your readings indicate Mr. Spock?"

"Unclear at present Captain, but they are in the near vicinity and most definitely large –"

"Captain – " Sulu calls out, running up quite excitedly with a piece of some local plant life in his hands, rather like a proud dog with a ball – "These plants Captain – I've never seen anything like it - This species of vermiform has been extinct since the cretaceous period! This thing – "

But Kirk could not care less about his plants, instead staring down the hill they have just crested at the herd of dinosaurs feeding below.

"Mr Spock-" he turns to his first officer, breathless- "Tell me we don't have a T – Rex."

There is a roar and a reverberating stamp of feet from over the next hill.

"Captain –" Spock announces, somewhat deadpan given the gravity of the impending carnivore – "We have a T – Rex."

From below them they see Doctor McCoy and Scotty running towards them in a panic.

"Moreover –" Spock continues – "Our crew seem to be flocking this way."

"Spock –" Kirk says patiently – "Suggest we stop standing here, quoting "Jurassic Park" and fucking RUN!"

They run and run for quite some time. On the way one of the red shirts stops to go into an inexplicably placed toilet cubicle where he is promptly eaten by the T- Rex. Half way down a hill they run in and out of a rather large tree for no apparent reason. Suddenly out of nowhere a kitchen appears and they are hunted down by oversized velociraptors which are then killed by the rampaging T-rex. At this point they decide to stop being quite so silly and Kirk calls for them to be beamed back on board the Enterprise.

The landing party stand gasping for breath in the transporter room and between gasps Kirk manages –

"And we're back –on the ship again!" Bones slaps him –

"And there's more where that came from!" he announces.

"Bones look!" Kirk beams – "I ripped my shirt again!"

"You don't have to sound so damn proud of it – you could rip your shirt taking a shit!"

"But Bones you don't get it! _Dinosaurs _ripped my shirt! How cool is that?"

Kirk's face falls to find that nobody else seems to think it is amazingly cool so he says it again in case they didn't hear –

"Guys – DINOSAURS RIPPIED MY SHIRT!"

"Yeah we heard you –" sighs Bones – "You should get _that _on a shirt."

_x_

**So I'm having an odd day and this made me feel better! Next time Kirk really ****_will _****rip his shirt taking a shit. J**


	12. Bathroom

**More complete silliness.**

**11.**

"May I ask why you are smiling Captain?"

"I'm often smiling Spock. I'm a smiling kind of guy."

"This is true, but not generally during chess. One might describe the expression as _suspicious."_

"Very well Spock, I am smiling because I know I have you beaten."

Spock says nothing but raises a telling eyebrow that is smug Vulcan for _the hell you have._ Kirk is so sure of his success that on his next move he announces –

"Queen to King's level One. Checkmate Mr Spock!" with something of a flourish. Spock smirks –

"I refute that statement Captain."

"You can't I just won."

"Correction. You would have just one if you had done as you no doubt intended and moved Queen to king's level Two"

"Yeah –" Kirk grins, still looking at Spock not the board – "That's what I did –" he glances down – "Oh." He states – "Oh _balls. _I didn't mean to – I can have not done that - right? You knew I didn't mean to –" Spock's face is an implacable mask of _no. _

"But –" Kirk wails – "That sucks! Now you can move your Rook in and checkmate _me!"_

"Indeed" Spock states – "Check mate Captain".

"Smug Vulcan git."

"Careless human _amateur."_ Spock folds his arms across his chest and raises a taunting eyebrow.

"Spock you're insulting me!" Kirk exclaims – "That's _brilliant!"_

"I confess I have been awaiting the opportunity to test a practice you seem to find such enjoyment in."

"What? Insults? Oh my god really? Do it more!"

"Asshole" Kirk giggles. It sounds so strange coming from the Vulcan.

"Idiot? Retarded dickhead?" Kirk doesn't hear the rest for laughing too loudly, eventually laughing so hard it doubles him over –

"Okay –"he finally manages when he can breathe again – "I just – laughed so hard – it's made me – need to pee – hold that thought and when I get back we can try sexy naked insults."

Still clutching himself, Kirk heads for the bathroom.

"Dumbass" Spock mutters behind his retreating back.

At that point McCoy bursts in –

"Good god you two! What the devil is all the noise about?"

"It appears the Captain is prostrate with merriment due to my experiments in colourful language doctor."

"Oh dear lord."

"It appears he laughed so intently as to need to urinate –"

"I'm taking a shit!" Kirk's voice bellows through the door.

"I didn't need to hear that!" Bones yells back.

"I believe he now wishes to try "Sexy naked insults" Spock adds.

"SPOCK!" Kirk and Bones both yell from opposite sides, Bones adding – "I didn't need to hear THAT either!"

"Doctor you _asked _what was occurring" says Spock, with just a touch of reproach.

"GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!" comes from the bathroom and Kirk storms out, wearing only half a shirt, the lower half in pieces – "I ripped my shirt!"

"You ripped your shirt – taking a shit?" frowns Bones.

"Wouldn't credit it would you?" sighs Kirk.

"If I asked how would I regret it for the rest of my life?"

"Yes Bones" Kirk grins, wickedly, "Yes you would. Tell someone we need toilet paper. Urgently."

"OH DEAR LORD!" wails Bones – "I should never have – I should just never have. GOODBYE!" he heads out of the door as swiftly as humanly possible.

"So –" Kirk grins to Spock – "How long do you think we should leave it before I let him know I tore it on the door handle?"

_x_

**Just to let you'll know – I've not abandoned some of your excellent suggestions and will be getting to them soon! J ….and of course I'm always taking more!**

**Also, yes, for anyone who noticed, I did get in my answer to the "Queen to King's level one" question posed in "Whom gods destroy" from TOS. The answer, in my head canon is now "I refute that statement."**


	13. Tribbles

**For** Minecraft Guardiansaiyan - ** who requested this foolishness! **

**Tribble**

"I swear to God!" rants Bones "That man could tear his shirt on a tribble!"

"That is highly implausible doctor" says Spock, patiently.

"Oh you think?" Bones glares for a moment until his face softens – an idea creeping up on him – "I think we could _make _him tear his shirt on a tribble."

"To what purpose?" frowns Spock – "Besides doctor you know as well as I do that all tribbles were removed from this ship."

"Oh yeah?" grins Bones, noting the slightly shifty look in Spock's eyes – "So you didn't hold back one neat little white tribble and hide it in your room then?"

"I –" Spock blushes a telling shade of green.

"Ha!" Bones cheers – "Cause I sure as hell keep these babies close!" He produces two fat tribbles like a magician from what Spock fervently hopes were his pockets.

"Spock I declare a challenge, you and me – to be the first to make Jim tear his shirt on a tribble."

"To what end?"

"Well if I win I get to say "I told you say" and if _you _win I get to say I told you so but you can get all superior on me about it."

"Very well" Spock sighs – "I accept your terms."

They spend the next few days leaving tribbles in compromising places until eventually Spock walks into Kirk's quarters one evening bearing an armload of the small chirping creatures.

"Spock!" Kirk announces, rising – "What the devil is going on around here with all these tribbles?"

Poker faced Spock throws his tribbles in Kirk's face. Bowled over by the cloud of fuzz Kirk stumbles, tearing his shirt on the corner of his chair, whilst tribbles gently descend around him. Spock half smiles down at him benignly, placid and peaceful from the calming effects of the tribbles.

"Spock –" Kirk growls, an inquisitive tribble nuzzling his ear – "Please explain."

"God damn it Spock!" Shouts Bones, running in – "You did it!"

"Technically the chair did it and not the tribbles –" Spock says generously – "I am not sure that –"

"It qualifies!" Howls Bones, sorry to have to admit it – "The cause was clearly the tribbles! This one to you Spock!" He makes to high five Spock, holding his palm up. Spock just stares at the hand blankly until Bones drops it with a sigh.

Kirk looks between them, gently chilling with a tribble on his head and other about his person.

"You two had a bet on who could rip my shirt with a tribble didn't you?" Kirk sighs.

"Affirmative Captain" nods Spock – "Though I must inform you it was _his _idea."

"Oh don't you give me "He started it" Spock! – you're as bad as each other! I hate you both so much – now get these tribbles off this ship!"

"They're your tribbles" Bones mutters to Spock.

"Losers pack up!" Spock mumbles back. Bones throws a tribble at him.

"Children!" yells Kirk – "Now one of you get me a shirt before you both go off the ship with them!"

"Yes Captain" they chorus, in contrition.

_x_


	14. Cliff top

**This is based on an idea from Sapere from ages back! Thank you! :-)**

**Clifftop**

A routine mission to an uninhabited planet finds Spock hanging perilously from the edge of a cliff and Kirk desperately searching the still crumbling cliff top for something he can throw down.

"Captain run!" Spock urges – "I believe I have adequately established that this ground is not safe!"

"Damn it Spock I'm not going anywhere!" Kirk growls, whipping his shirt off and leaning over the cliff, using it as a rope. Spock grabs it and starts to pull himself up. Kirk winces to hear the lousy fabric start to rip and grabs for Spock's hand, successfully hauling him back up beside him. Spock holds on to his arm somewhat un- necessarily as Kirk makes an urgent call to Scotty to beam them straight back on board. They materialize in the transporter room trying to look like they hadn't been clinging to each other as the ground crumbled away.

"Well" Kirk sighs, looking downwards, to realise that he is still holding the tattered remnants of a gold shirt – "That's another one down. I should start to keep count."

"Eighty two and seven black shirts captain" Says Spock promptly – "Though if I may postulate – this one's demise was perhaps for a worthier reason than on previous occasions." Spock arches an eyebrow looking not at the shirt in Kirk's hand but more focused on the fact that Kirk is now not wearing it.

"Oh I dunno – " Kirk grins up at him in what could possibly be construed as a vaguely flirtatious manner – "I think I can remember some fairly….worthy occasions."

He grins and barrages Spock's head with a montage of memories of Spock ripping his shirt until the Vulcan actually looks mildly irritated – or at least it _looks _like irritation.

Scotty rolls his eyes to himself and looks tactfully away.

"Captain suggest we head to your quarters and ….remedy your clothing difficulties –" begins Spock. Kirk turns to smirk at him, this time quite blatantly flirtatiously –

"Spock – nothing you are about to say is actually going to lead to putting clothes _on _is it?"

Spock's eyes are dark and he eyes Kirk as though he is dinner.

"I suspect that to be an accurate deduction yes captain"

This time Scotty does look at them with an exasperated _I'm – not- hearing – this _expression and points towards the door so as not to have to order them out of Transportation for the second time that week.

"Sorry Scotty" mumbles Kirk in his _I've – done – a – naughty _voice – "C'mon Spock".

Scotty face palms as they go, trying to pretend he didn't notice that the Captain is leading his First Officer by the hand.

_x_

**So I've had a long week at work and then I had some not so great reviews on stuff and it made me a wee bit sad so this is all I could manage! So tell me I'm awesome k' people – even if it's not so great? :-) **


	15. Fanfic did it!

**Very vaguely based on a prompt from Minecraft Guardiansaiyan.**

**This is the crackiest crack that ever cracked. Me and the fourth wall are not friends at the moment…I will bring that bastard ****_down! _**

**15.**

A shake ripples through the ship, throwing everybody back and forth across the Bridge at frankly comical angles, with the usual exception of Spock who manages to successfully brace himself against the control panel.

Against all conceivability a container of command shirts slides out of laundry and down the corridor onto the Bridge.

"Laundry on ze Bridge!" announces Chekov, unsure whether to be alarmed, surprised or just amused. Several dozen gold shirts respond to this recognition by throwing themselves into the air and from side to side across the Bridge in a manner most similar to the crew previously, sleeves flapping and flailing like a flock of golden birds.

When the ship stills Kirk surveys the Bridge, now scattered with piles of torn and damaged command shirts.

"Really?" he groans – "This is becoming silly!"

"With all due respect sir –" supplies Sulu – "This became silly some time ago"

"Captain –" adds Spock – "If it were not somewhat illogical – I might postulate that we have fallen victim to the mercy of a writer of bad fan fiction."

"Damn Spock – what is it with you and fanfic at the moment?"

"Did you know that people write it about _us _Captain?"

"Really?" Kirk frowns – "Whatever would they write us doing?"

Spock looks at him steadily and meaningfully until the Captain's ears start to go red.

"Oh." He says –"Ohhh – I see – well –"

"Good god!" howls Bones, finally catching on – "Why would anyone want to read _that?"_

"I feel I must tell you there are people out there "Shipping" you and I also doctor –"

"Please Spock that's disgusting! I beg you to stop before _I _need a doctor!" moans Bones.

"I believe the technical term is "Spones"" Spock finishes, rather smugly. Chekov giggles and Spock turns to them –

"I must inform you that yourself and Mr Sulu are not exempt from this phenomenon either Helmsman."

"We've been rumbled Mr Sulu!" cackles Chekov.

"If it's any consolation Captain –" adds Sulu – "I ship it. You guys are my OTP!"

"Right!" shouts Kirk – "That's it! This topic of conversation is officially banned from the Bridge! Now somebody get those damned shirts out of here! Okay? No errant shirts and no fanfic on the Bridge!" A sheepish chorus of "Aye aye Captain" ensues as Scotty gathers up shirts and Sulu surreptitiously hides his precious antique edition of "T'hy'la" beneath his work station. As they settle back down to normal Spock whispers something to Kirk in his head. Kirk bursts out laughing;

"That's ridiculous Spock!" he splutters – "Seriously! I mean this Bridge just got swamped by insane shirts but _that _is just – _nobody _would go for that!"

Several hours later Kirk is still laughing gently to himself at the concept of a Spock/ Uhura pairing.

_x_

**So, yeah, that happened….sorry? :-)**


End file.
